the church story

“anybody home ?”

“Andy are you ready?”

Someone was at the door.

Andy was still enjoying his sleep when he heard his friend’s voice.

“I never wake o” Andy replied as and took a quick look at the circular wall clock hanging on the left wall of the rented one bedroom flat he just packed into.

The time was 9:47 a.m.

Empty bottles of his favourite kind of liquid-star beer, was scattered around  the red rubber carpet in the room like toys in a baby’s room.

He'd had a wild time the night before and was suffering from a hangover.

Few minutes later , he reluctantly forced himself off the bed and walked over to the door. He opened the door and let Obi in.

Obi was Andy’s next door neighbor who had made it his duty to bring Andy to the lord. He had a long talk with Andy the night before and had invited him to worship in church the next day.

“are you not coming again” Obi asked as he looked around the room and shook his head.          

Andy looked up at Obi with a surprise expression on his face.

“to where ?”

“to church “ obi answered.

“I don’t think I can make it “ Andy retorted .

“but you promised you would today”

For the next 10 minutes Obi had to beg , cajole and say all sorts of things to persuade Andy to come with him.

Finally Obi won.

Andy got up and went into his bathroom to shower.

12 minutes later he was dressed up and ready to head out to church.

Andy had not been to church in the last 2 years. He always argued that churches had become business premises. He called the pastors CEOs and the members marketers.

As he sat down with Obi in the tricycle heading to church he hoped what happened 2 years would not repeat itself today in church.

They got to the church around 10:32 a.m.

Too late.

They had missed Sunday school.

They were both ushered to sit 4 rows from the last seat in the back of the church. Up on the pulpit the choir members, adorned in their purple robes were ministering . Their robes reminded Andy of the matriculation ceremony he did a few months ago.

He surveyed the church with his eyes.

It was filled with more young people than elderly people. The colourfully dressed members of the congregation shook their heads to the song that was rendered by the choir.

He started nodding his.

Obi looked at Andy .

A wide smile appeared on his face . He was about to win a soul.

Minutes after the choir ministration, the pastor of the church came to the pulpit where he introduced a guess pastor who had come from another church.

Pastor James walked up the pulpit and got the mic.

He was a young handsome man. Well dressed and looked like something straight out of a GQ magazine.

He said a short prayer and introduced the sermon for the day.

Andy listened attentively to the sermon to the end. It was about the story of Abraham.

Soon after the message it was time for offering.

“if you want to get Abraham blessings you need to make Abrahams sacrifice”.

The pastor said softly like he was talking to his wife.

“Those with N100 000 to give to God ,please get up on your feet for special prayers” he added.

The church went silent like a graveyard.

Nobody stood up.

After what seemed like forever.

Andy stood on his feet and looked around the congregation.

Obi could not believe it .

Not only was Andy in church ,he was about to make a donation.

Wow. He thought .

Even members of church looked backed and wondered who the next comer was. The new comer that was about to save them from the embarrassment of the new pastor.

Andy walked out of the church and headed home.

Funny Story From My Childhood

My childhood was filled with lots of crazy , funny wacky moments.

One time when i was 8 or 9 .
My mum prepared a very delicious meal.
My favorite .
Eba and Eguosi soup.(Don't even bother with trying to understand what meal it is)

By the time the food was ready by 9 pm that night i had already salivated enough to fill a 10 litre bucket .
In fact , I had already eaten the food a 100 times over by just perceiving the aroma escaping from the kitchen.

Finally , it was ready.

I didn't wait for any invitation when mum placed my plate on the dining table.
I jumped on the plate and literally devoured the mountain of Eba and draw soup in minutes.

Like Oliver Twist ,i could not wait to ask for another plate.
My tummy was swollen .I was filled but i could not resist eating another plate.

Mum gladly served me another plate. She was more than happy i was eating the same food twice.(something i rarely did).

I ate the whole plate.this time I took my time.

By now my tummy was now so swollen like I was 15 minutes from delivering a set of twin baby boys.

But i was not through...
Greed had the better of me.

I sneaked into the kitchen like a thief in the night and got me another plate.

15 minutes later i could hardly breathe.

My stomach was about to burst like a balloon.
I could feel it.

I slowly went to my room and laid on the bed.I felt like a python that just swallowed a hippopotamus.

I could not sleep the whole night . I was tossing and turning all over the bed like a ball that was kicked around by angry soccer players.


Suddenly , around 2 am.I could not take it anymore.My stomach could not too.
Before i knew it ,I felt like throwing up.

I rushed my head over to the corner of the bed and in 1 minute vomited all the food i had spent 2 hours shoveling into my mouth.

Out came all the food i had eaten in the form of slimy , half digested shit that by my body rejected.


That was the day i learnt my first nasty lesson about food.
It might be good but too much of it is always bad.

Let’s All Spit

 This is a disgusting story but am gonna say it.

Many years ago when I was In secondary school . we usually ate together sometimes. Myself and friends  in the dormitory used to just make food and   just eat together.

Everyone was cool with it.

but there was this one guy who always grumbled when people came to eat with him.

One day he did something crazy.

He prepared food and was about to start eating when his friends came to join him.

He quickly spat into the bowl of rice.

Very disgusting.

His friends got pissed and left.

That is how he discovered a way of eating alone without allowing his friend to join in.

This went on for a few days until one day he had prepared food and was about to eat when his friends came over again to join him.

He immediately spat into the food and smiled.

His friends would go away he thought.

Before you he knew it his 5 friends that came to join in the meal all spat into the food too.

Now who is gonna eat that shit?

Who lost the most?

The most embarrassing day of my life

  

It happened in the year 1996  during my JSS3 exams . I won’t forget that day because I was writing my favorite subject –mathematics.

I had answered all the compulsory questions and was rounding off on my last question when I heard the soft voice of the invigilator say,

“10 minutes more”

Next thing I know I needed to pee. The urge was very strong but I sat down and continued answering that last question. I didn’t want to lose any mark.

I wanted to make sure I had A in that paper.

Suddenly  ,I felt something warm flowing down my legs. I had peed on myself.

 I didn’t care . I sat back and kept writing everything that was in my head.

“stop writing, pens up”

That was the invigilator. The exams had come to an end. 

I was through.

I put my pen up and smiled like a kid who just won an award.

When the invigilator came to get my answer script she was surprised to see water around my seat.

She was not impressed .

I got punished that day but guess what ?

I had an A and till this day no one has ever remembered or ask me about that day.

14 ...the story of a mad man

Back in 2002 when i was in college, something crazy happened one Monday morning.My house was not very far from school so i used to stroll to school with my friends. So this Monday morning we headed to school as usual. When we came to the junction . Right in front of us stood a mad man.

We knew he was a mad man because his shirt was dirty and torn . He was black with dirt all over his body like he had just rubbed a cream produced with charcoal . He was standing on one spot talking to himself.He was lifting his left foot up and down like a soldier.

As we got close ,we could hear him mutter the number ...

"13 , 13 , 13, 13 "

 5 hours later on our way back from school. The mad man was still on the same spot.

saying the same number...

"13 , 13 , 13 , 13 "


So out of curiosity my friend James ,summed up courage and walked up to the mad man.
 And asked ...

"why do you keep saying the number 13 , 13 , 13 ?"


The mad man stopped counting for a few seconds and looked up at James .After a few seconds he continued repeating the number like nobody was standing before him.

James asked the question again...as he ended the question .
The mad man -with the speed of a WWF wrestler-carried James and slammed him on the ground.

He immediately started repeating...

14 , 14 , 14 ,14

Damn You Rain..

I walked out of the house around 8 a.m. .

The sky was dark and heavy. It was threatening to rain.

As I strolled on the road and tried to board a tricycle, it started drizzling. I stopped. Turned back and headed back home.

 No way I was going to get soaked by rain.

5 minutes after I got home. The rain abruptly stopped .

I went back out and started my journey again. I boarded  a tricycle and dropped at the junction-where I was to board another tricycle.

Suddenly , the rain started again. This time it fail heavily-like it was angry with the world.

 I was only halfway to my destination.

Guess what is did?

I spoke to the rider of the tricycle and he made a U- turn. I was going back home.

Damn you rain. 

$250 000

One evening, I was heading back home after seeing off my friends. When I got 10 houses away from my house, my phone vibrated in my hip pocket.

I brought it out and looked at the screen. It was a text message.

I opened it. Read it for 20 seconds and busted into a crazy fit of laughter. I almost fell into the gutter on the side of the road. People on the road thought I had just gone mad.

This was the content of the text message.

You have won $250 000 in the blackberry awards. For claims, send your name and mobile via. E-mail To:bbawards@blummail.org.

Wow…

$250 000?

That’s a lot of wad to play with . Damn, am freaking RICH. Am gonna paint the whole town red.

Am going to buy me a hummer truck…

BUT …wait a minute.

Here is the thing.

I got this text on my little, worn out Nokia phone.

I don’t have a blackberry. I don’t plan to buy one. At least not soon.

So the big question is-how the hell did I win $250 000?

Hahahahaha….

You can’t get me.  BLOODY Scammers.