You Must Carry (Short Funny Story)

"You must carry"
"You must carry"

They tiny crowd of happy guests chanted as the milled about outside the entrance of the church ...taking turns to snap pictures with the latest couple in town.

It was now time for the couple to take their personal pictures alone.

They crowd wanted they groom to carry his new bribe that is why they chanted "you must carry".
...but there was only one problem.

A big problem.

The bride was 2 times the size of the man.

If you looked at the new couple and was asked who should carry who , you would (without even thinking twice ), point to the wife .

...but that is not the traditional thing.

It is the husband who does the carrying.

So as the guests kept repeating like a broken record  "you must carry".

The husband,dressed with shiny black suede suit with a black bow tie to match, out of idiocy or to prove ...he could literary carry his wife ...and take care of his bride...decided to do the unthinkable.

He bend over a little and attempted to lift up his wife.

The wife , hesitated at first and with her eyes, tried to dissuade his groom from lifting her.

...but he persisted .

He wasn't going to let people hear he could not carry his wife.He wasn't going to be a laughing stock.A story  people will always remembers and tease him with.

Never.

Not going to happen.


So using all the strength he could muster , he lifted his darling wife ...to the cheers of the guests.

As the cameraman was about to take shots ,the groom's feet began to wobble like someone who was drunk on alcohol and before anyone could say " don't do it" ...

The couple fell heavily on the dusty ground ,messing up their wedding dresses and injuring themselves.

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writer's block

So i sat staring at my laptop screen for minutes, like it was about to reveal a secret to me.

Why?

...because i had no idea what to write.

I think it's called writer's block...then i immediately remembered what one of my mentors said about writer's block.

"it does not exist.It only means you don't know what to do next".

Another mentor,who is a friend to my first mentor said...

"when you don't know what to write , just type blah, blah ,blah , blah ...till something comes to your head .When it does ,write it down"

There is one reason why he asked me to do this, (and it does work ) and the reason is this...

"Movement always beats inaction".

He explained ...as you go through the motion of writing or typing blah blah..something will pop into your head.

So here am i trying it out and thinking hard for a story for this blog.

And i guess it works ...because i have just typed over 100 words.

Good night.

Add "S" (Funny Story)

During a party with friends and guest,the illiterate wife of the celebrant called the maid from the main house and said...

"please bring 3 SPOON"

The husband trying not to publicly correct his wife quickly whispered to her ...

"add "s" ...

The illiterate wife in a bid to correct her mistake ,screamed to the maid, to the hearing of all present...

"add "s"...

Over The Bridge

Today have a terrible story for you.

You may hate me and the story at the end...because it is not funny.
At all.

It's a true story a friend told me.(I can't verify for sure ,but it is possibly true)

Now here we go.

Sometime in the early nineties .

A man was traveling from Benue State to Onitsha.In the middle of the night journey, armed robbers struck.

They dare devils ,5 in number, shot sporadically in the air and forced the driver to stop the 16 sitter bus.
The armed robbers stormed into the bus and asked the passengers to bring  out all their moneys and drop it on the floor.

In 30 minutes ,they carefully ransacked all the passengers and the bus ,tearing open every space and corner in the bus, taking all the money on the floor and from the passengers.

As the armed robbers were about to step out of the bus, a young lady screamed out.

"someone did not give all the money o"

Informing the robbers that someone had not obeyed their orders.

The lady pointed to another woman who had a baby with her.


One of the robbers came back into the bus,looking red in the face. He had the kind of look harden criminal have when they are about to do something very sinister .He strolled slowly towards the lady with the baby.

As the armed robber came closer ,the expression on lady's face was that of one who just got a death sentence.

When the armed robber got to the lady , he pointed the silver pistol at her and dragged the baby from her grasp.

He looked at the baby , as another member of the gang checked the baby's diaper .


Turns out the nursing mother had hidden some money in her baby's diaper.

To everyone's shock the robber made a crazy statement.

"You have not learnt to talk or walk yet and you have already started stealing money" 

He was referring to the baby.


Suddenly  ...bang...

A gun shot rang right there in the bus...

Guess what happened?


The robber shot the baby point blank right in the forehead.

He passed the lifeless body of the baby to the mother and walked like a king out of the bus with his gang behind him.

"move"


 He screamed at the driver as he pointed the scary weapon towards the bus.


The confused driver screeched the car out of the stationary position and sped towards Onitsha.


For a few seconds everyone in the bus could not believe their eyes.

The mother of the baby could not stand the pain of seeing her baby die, she fainted a few seconds after the shot was fired.


No one uttered a word as the driver drove for almost 20 minutes.

When he got to benue bridge , he stopped the bus,walked to the lady that ratted out the nursing mother .He dragged her to the door as she kicked and screamed ,fighting to remain in the bus .

He overpowered her and pushed her outside the bus. She was still screaming, shouting and protesting. Seconds later , I did not hear her screams anymore.

The driver came back in ,breathing heavily like he just won a marathon race.

He did not need a soothsayer to tell him what had  happened .

The driver had pushed her over the bridge into the icy cold ,dirty river below.


No one made anything attempt to stop the driver.It was like everyone had secretly agreed to what he did.

The driver started the bus and drove away, like nothing happened.

The end.


My question is ...was the driver right?

You are a moron

“I have to tell you something that has been bothering me”, I said to Billy.

“What exactly” he replied as he raised his head from the pillow to hear what I had to say.

“I don’t know how you will feel about this, but I just have to tell you” I replied.

“What is it “.

Billy was getting really impatient.

Come close, I don’t want your sister to hear us.

Billy’s sister was lying fast asleep on the other corner of the room.

Billy moved closer as I spoke these words softly into his ear.

“You are a moron”.

We both burst into a wild fit of laughter.

It was a stupid joke.

 A joke I am known for.

“Really?”

 Billy replied with a smile.

“This is what I think about it” he added.

And he whispered these words into my ears.

“Same to you”

Why Do People Do Stupid Things During Emergencies?

This is a serious question.

You know why?...because if I ask you right now…what would you do if your car burst into flames ,you would likely say stuff like ..

“I will get sand to quench the fire”

“I will use the fire extinguisher”

Blah , blah blah…

 But you know what?

During real emergency situation, you will likely not  act logically. .. in fact ,you could act like a crazy fool.

During emergencies , it seems like our brains just goes blank like a crashed computer .

If you have ever been in an emergency situation you will agree with me.

I can say so from my own experience.

For example ..I had an emergency situation this morning .

Around 8 a.m , I heard a scream from my next door neighbor.

As I rushed out of my apartment  toward hers …

Behold ,a small fire was raging angrily from  the power change-over that was located 1 foot from the side of her door and 8 feet from the floor.

I looked at the fire for a few seconds as other neighbors rushed out to see what the matter was. I immediately went back inside and grabbed my brown chinos trousers.

I was not planning to wear it. I was going to use it to put out the fire.

My friend ,Elijah, went back inside and got a bucket of water and was about to throw it at the electric-caused fire.

One of the neighbors screamed and reminded him that he might get shocked.

That is when I immediately , stepped out ,scooped wet sand from the ground and threw on the fire.

That hand full of sand did the job.

As we stood there looking at the charred remains of the wires and plastic power change over device ,  we laughed at our self for acting stupidly ,

…but this was no joke.

 My friend and I were about to do 2 fatal and stupid things.

But this really got me thinking ...why the hell do we act crazy in situations like this?

I think i have an idea why...but i love to hear your opinion.

How Boko Haram Have Turned Nigerian Churches To Club Houses

Have you been to a night club before?

You know, that place people go to have a drink ,get drunk and dance out their Friday nights?

 Well, I have and trust me…churches now seem like clubs .

And I am not about girls shaking their booty in the church after spending 4 hours on Friday ,shaking the same booty in the club.

I am talking about something totally different.

This little story will let you in on it.

I left for church this morning around 9:30 am … dressed in my brown shoes ,big collar shirt  well tucked into my Marks And Spencer trousers .

I got off the tricycle ,paid the fare and headed for the entrance of the church.

The first service had just dismissed so members stormed out of the building ,rushing to get the available tricycles.

As I swarm through the sea of worshipers and got to the entrance of the church, I noticed something.

A man and a lady were stationed in the entrance. There was really nothing special about them…but…

…they bold held a metal detector.

You know, that device bouncers in club carry…so no one comes in with a gun or a dangerous weapon.

That’s exactly what ,these 2 people were carrying.

As I came up the stairs ,the man leaned forward and pointed the device at me. I raised my hands up as he hovered the device around my hip pockets .

The device beeped as I dug into my pocket and brought out my 2 mobile phone and my bunch of keys.

Seconds later ,I asked.

“can I go in now”

“Yes “ ,he replied as I shook my head and entered the church.

As I sat down ,I could not help thinking about what just happened.

The treat of a bomb going off in church was the reason why stuff like this was happening.

For the past few months, Boko Boys aka Boko Haram have been perpetuating all kinds mayhem, bombing churches and killing innocent people.

Bug Bite Story

I sat on the concrete steps leading to the entrance of the house .
The front door to be exact.
I did not care that algae grew on the sides of the stairs.
I just sat there under the shade of the mango tree.The evening cool breeze gave me a little chill as I read the motivational novel I had gotten from a friend.

I was about to flip to page 123 when ,suddenly ,I felt a sharp pain on my left butt.
I jumped up ,threw the novel in the air and quickly dug my right hand into my blue stripped Tommy Hilfiger boxers.
My hand quickly squashed the bug that bit me.

The black ant fell to the ground and wriggled for a few seconds.
The pain was unbearable .It felt like I had a needle stuck to my arse.

Obviously,while i was enjoying the novel the bug had somehow found a way to travel to my butt.

Hours later , my butt -where the bug bit me- grew to the size of an orange.

the church story

“anybody home ?”

“Andy are you ready?”

Someone was at the door.

Andy was still enjoying his sleep when he heard his friend’s voice.

“I never wake o” Andy replied as and took a quick look at the circular wall clock hanging on the left wall of the rented one bedroom flat he just packed into.

The time was 9:47 a.m.

Empty bottles of his favourite kind of liquid-star beer, was scattered around  the red rubber carpet in the room like toys in a baby’s room.

He'd had a wild time the night before and was suffering from a hangover.

Few minutes later , he reluctantly forced himself off the bed and walked over to the door. He opened the door and let Obi in.

Obi was Andy’s next door neighbor who had made it his duty to bring Andy to the lord. He had a long talk with Andy the night before and had invited him to worship in church the next day.

“are you not coming again” Obi asked as he looked around the room and shook his head.          

Andy looked up at Obi with a surprise expression on his face.

“to where ?”

“to church “ obi answered.

“I don’t think I can make it “ Andy retorted .

“but you promised you would today”

For the next 10 minutes Obi had to beg , cajole and say all sorts of things to persuade Andy to come with him.

Finally Obi won.

Andy got up and went into his bathroom to shower.

12 minutes later he was dressed up and ready to head out to church.

Andy had not been to church in the last 2 years. He always argued that churches had become business premises. He called the pastors CEOs and the members marketers.

As he sat down with Obi in the tricycle heading to church he hoped what happened 2 years would not repeat itself today in church.

They got to the church around 10:32 a.m.

Too late.

They had missed Sunday school.

They were both ushered to sit 4 rows from the last seat in the back of the church. Up on the pulpit the choir members, adorned in their purple robes were ministering . Their robes reminded Andy of the matriculation ceremony he did a few months ago.

He surveyed the church with his eyes.

It was filled with more young people than elderly people. The colourfully dressed members of the congregation shook their heads to the song that was rendered by the choir.

He started nodding his.

Obi looked at Andy .

A wide smile appeared on his face . He was about to win a soul.

Minutes after the choir ministration, the pastor of the church came to the pulpit where he introduced a guess pastor who had come from another church.

Pastor James walked up the pulpit and got the mic.

He was a young handsome man. Well dressed and looked like something straight out of a GQ magazine.

He said a short prayer and introduced the sermon for the day.

Andy listened attentively to the sermon to the end. It was about the story of Abraham.

Soon after the message it was time for offering.

“if you want to get Abraham blessings you need to make Abrahams sacrifice”.

The pastor said softly like he was talking to his wife.

“Those with N100 000 to give to God ,please get up on your feet for special prayers” he added.

The church went silent like a graveyard.

Nobody stood up.

After what seemed like forever.

Andy stood on his feet and looked around the congregation.

Obi could not believe it .

Not only was Andy in church ,he was about to make a donation.

Wow. He thought .

Even members of church looked backed and wondered who the next comer was. The new comer that was about to save them from the embarrassment of the new pastor.

Andy walked out of the church and headed home.

Funny Story From My Childhood

My childhood was filled with lots of crazy , funny wacky moments.

One time when i was 8 or 9 .
My mum prepared a very delicious meal.
My favorite .
Eba and Eguosi soup.(Don't even bother with trying to understand what meal it is)

By the time the food was ready by 9 pm that night i had already salivated enough to fill a 10 litre bucket .
In fact , I had already eaten the food a 100 times over by just perceiving the aroma escaping from the kitchen.

Finally , it was ready.

I didn't wait for any invitation when mum placed my plate on the dining table.
I jumped on the plate and literally devoured the mountain of Eba and draw soup in minutes.

Like Oliver Twist ,i could not wait to ask for another plate.
My tummy was swollen .I was filled but i could not resist eating another plate.

Mum gladly served me another plate. She was more than happy i was eating the same food twice.(something i rarely did).

I ate the whole plate.this time I took my time.

By now my tummy was now so swollen like I was 15 minutes from delivering a set of twin baby boys.

But i was not through...
Greed had the better of me.

I sneaked into the kitchen like a thief in the night and got me another plate.

15 minutes later i could hardly breathe.

My stomach was about to burst like a balloon.
I could feel it.

I slowly went to my room and laid on the bed.I felt like a python that just swallowed a hippopotamus.

I could not sleep the whole night . I was tossing and turning all over the bed like a ball that was kicked around by angry soccer players.


Suddenly , around 2 am.I could not take it anymore.My stomach could not too.
Before i knew it ,I felt like throwing up.

I rushed my head over to the corner of the bed and in 1 minute vomited all the food i had spent 2 hours shoveling into my mouth.

Out came all the food i had eaten in the form of slimy , half digested shit that by my body rejected.


That was the day i learnt my first nasty lesson about food.
It might be good but too much of it is always bad.

Let’s All Spit

 This is a disgusting story but am gonna say it.

Many years ago when I was In secondary school . we usually ate together sometimes. Myself and friends  in the dormitory used to just make food and   just eat together.

Everyone was cool with it.

but there was this one guy who always grumbled when people came to eat with him.

One day he did something crazy.

He prepared food and was about to start eating when his friends came to join him.

He quickly spat into the bowl of rice.

Very disgusting.

His friends got pissed and left.

That is how he discovered a way of eating alone without allowing his friend to join in.

This went on for a few days until one day he had prepared food and was about to eat when his friends came over again to join him.

He immediately spat into the food and smiled.

His friends would go away he thought.

Before you he knew it his 5 friends that came to join in the meal all spat into the food too.

Now who is gonna eat that shit?

Who lost the most?

The most embarrassing day of my life

  

It happened in the year 1996  during my JSS3 exams . I won’t forget that day because I was writing my favorite subject –mathematics.

I had answered all the compulsory questions and was rounding off on my last question when I heard the soft voice of the invigilator say,

“10 minutes more”

Next thing I know I needed to pee. The urge was very strong but I sat down and continued answering that last question. I didn’t want to lose any mark.

I wanted to make sure I had A in that paper.

Suddenly  ,I felt something warm flowing down my legs. I had peed on myself.

 I didn’t care . I sat back and kept writing everything that was in my head.

“stop writing, pens up”

That was the invigilator. The exams had come to an end. 

I was through.

I put my pen up and smiled like a kid who just won an award.

When the invigilator came to get my answer script she was surprised to see water around my seat.

She was not impressed .

I got punished that day but guess what ?

I had an A and till this day no one has ever remembered or ask me about that day.

14 ...the story of a mad man

Back in 2002 when i was in college, something crazy happened one Monday morning.My house was not very far from school so i used to stroll to school with my friends. So this Monday morning we headed to school as usual. When we came to the junction . Right in front of us stood a mad man.

We knew he was a mad man because his shirt was dirty and torn . He was black with dirt all over his body like he had just rubbed a cream produced with charcoal . He was standing on one spot talking to himself.He was lifting his left foot up and down like a soldier.

As we got close ,we could hear him mutter the number ...

"13 , 13 , 13, 13 "

 5 hours later on our way back from school. The mad man was still on the same spot.

saying the same number...

"13 , 13 , 13 , 13 "


So out of curiosity my friend James ,summed up courage and walked up to the mad man.
 And asked ...

"why do you keep saying the number 13 , 13 , 13 ?"


The mad man stopped counting for a few seconds and looked up at James .After a few seconds he continued repeating the number like nobody was standing before him.

James asked the question again...as he ended the question .
The mad man -with the speed of a WWF wrestler-carried James and slammed him on the ground.

He immediately started repeating...

14 , 14 , 14 ,14

Damn You Rain..

I walked out of the house around 8 a.m. .

The sky was dark and heavy. It was threatening to rain.

As I strolled on the road and tried to board a tricycle, it started drizzling. I stopped. Turned back and headed back home.

 No way I was going to get soaked by rain.

5 minutes after I got home. The rain abruptly stopped .

I went back out and started my journey again. I boarded  a tricycle and dropped at the junction-where I was to board another tricycle.

Suddenly , the rain started again. This time it fail heavily-like it was angry with the world.

 I was only halfway to my destination.

Guess what is did?

I spoke to the rider of the tricycle and he made a U- turn. I was going back home.

Damn you rain. 

$250 000

One evening, I was heading back home after seeing off my friends. When I got 10 houses away from my house, my phone vibrated in my hip pocket.

I brought it out and looked at the screen. It was a text message.

I opened it. Read it for 20 seconds and busted into a crazy fit of laughter. I almost fell into the gutter on the side of the road. People on the road thought I had just gone mad.

This was the content of the text message.

You have won $250 000 in the blackberry awards. For claims, send your name and mobile via. E-mail To:bbawards@blummail.org.

Wow…

$250 000?

That’s a lot of wad to play with . Damn, am freaking RICH. Am gonna paint the whole town red.

Am going to buy me a hummer truck…

BUT …wait a minute.

Here is the thing.

I got this text on my little, worn out Nokia phone.

I don’t have a blackberry. I don’t plan to buy one. At least not soon.

So the big question is-how the hell did I win $250 000?

Hahahahaha….

You can’t get me.  BLOODY Scammers.

wrong Room

I raised my head and looked around. All I could see was light shining from the top and bottom of 2 doors ,3 meters from the bed.  I noticed the room was tiled .

My room is covered with a red rug.Then it hit me.

I was not in my room.

“where the hell am I? “

I turned my head to my right and noticed somebody lying on the bed by my side.

“who the hell is lying on the bed in a room I don’t remember coming to?”.

I looked at the person on the bed. The dim light didn’t help. I looked hard.

Guess who was on the bed?

 Billy. My neighbor.

That was a big relief.

I searched around the bed for my phones. I was lying on them. I picked the nearest one and pressed a button. The light from the phone brightened the room . A  little.

I checked the time. It was 4: 25 a.m.

Billy moved his head . I had apparently woke him up or the light from the phone did.

“Billy how far?”

And that is how we talked for like 10 minutes . He told me how I came to his room the night before- tipsy. He said I spoke with him for a few minutes and slept off -just like that.

After we talked I stood up . Picked my 3 Nokia phones and headed for my room.

Introduction

Hi my name is …

Well , just call me Mk.

The other day I read an article that shook me .

A little .

I read that one needed 10000 hours of practice to be good at anything one chooses to do.

10 000 hours ?

Men ,that is like 13 to 15 years if you spend 2 hours daily practicing something. And since I want to hone my short story writing skills I decided to start this blog.

I will definitely not spend 2 hours daily writing short stories but I will write a story a day on this blog. It could be 4 lines , 100 words , 800 words or anything.

Yea , I may not write some days.

I will write stories about the little interesting things happening everyday in my life. Stories about what I have learnt.

Stories about stories.

Stories about other people’s story.

So as I learn something or anything at all about writing stories ,I will write a story and try to use it .

It is going to be like a diary?

Yea,  something like that.

But not like the boring shit people write in their dairies.

Feel free to comment ,correct or suggest anything to me.

MK .